Help! I am drowning....

Usually I am a very happy person and I am always optimistic, but these past three days I have really felt like I am being held underwater and I can't breathe. It seems like everytime I just about reach the surface something gets in my way and pushes me farther under. I feel like I can't win. No matter what I do, I will not come out on top. It all started Friday with a series of bad things happening that caused me to have a bad day. For starters, the Mac that I edit news on for KWSB crashed which really frustrated me because I lost all of the work I had been doing. So I started over again capturing all of the video again and then five minutes later, the camera's battery died and I couldn't capture anymore. So this put me in a not so good mood. Then later on that night I witnessed one of my co-workers give over one hundred dollars worth of groceries away and there was nothing I could do about it except wait to tell my boss on Sunday. Finally, later on that night when I came home my mom and I got into it about work and how I don't get to go to church. Saturday morning though, I woke up feeling optimistic about my volleyball tournament that day. Well, we lost and Coach Lee was not happy. This saddened me, but what really upset me was the conversation I had with Coach Lee after the tournament was over. I had to explain to her why I couldn't go to the Eminence game tonight but she already knew the situation so I thought it wouldn't be a big deal. Well, she basically made me defend myself and justify why I couldn't go. I felt like she didn't believe me. I wouldn't just skip a game. I mean I am missing my game right now and I wish I was there playing but I couldn't go to that game because mentally I would not be there. I would be in a state of fear and worry. I walked out of the building after talking to her and I broke down into tears. I was so angry and upset. I am still really upset, to the point of I don't want to see her again and I just want to quit volleyball. Anyway....after that I figured that Sunday had to be a better day because the previous two had sucked, but sure enough it proved to suck too. I had to tell my boss about my co-worker and friend who had given away groceries. Then I had to take apart a soda machine and put it back together again. Finally, my replacement was late and when we counted the drawer, it was 300 dollars over! Well, I thought surely today will be better. Nope, guess again. I have never been asked so many times in all my life "Are you pumped for the game tonight?" It stung everytime because I knew that I wasn't going but I would just say yes because I didn't want to have to explain the situation over and over again. I mean these past few days I have thought countless times about the part of my past that I have tried so hard to erase from my mind. It depresses me too. I mean, I know I have come a long way from that time in my life but it is always haunting me. In the Bible it says you have to forgive to be forgiven, but it is so hard for me to forgive someone who hurt my family so much. Does this mean I am going to hell? I don't know. It's a question that plagues me. It sounds so easy in writing: Just forgive him. But talking the talk and walking the walk are two seperate things. I can say that I forgive him but do I truly in my heart? Honestly I can't say yes yet. Anyway to make my day even better, I came home from school because I was not going to the game and there was a letter from the Missouri Higher Education Department. I opened it up and skimming it I saw the words "Bright Flight." I was excited because I thought this would be a letter informing me that I would receive it since I had gotten a 30 on the ACT. Nope....instead it was to inform me that they raised the standards. To get bright flight you have to score in the top 3 percent of all missouri students taking the test and now that is a 31 not a 30. So now I have to retake the test and hopefully get a 31. This did not add to my already pleasant mood.

So now I am sitting here writing this blog with a huge headache that I got three days ago from all of the stress and which no amount of ibprofen will take away, thinking about the volleyball game I am missing, and wondering when my life will take a turn for the better. I hope soon. : )